You feel like you’ve been disappeared

from the scene. That is how you feel when you choose to look after your kids. You grow and you feel like you disappear at the same time. No talk, no time, just a feeling of constant tiredness. You forget things when you change room. Sometimes, though you have that time somehow, you ask yourself, am I conscious enough with my choices. (Am I? )

Then someone cries “muummy” or just cries. That’s it. That’s how you feel you’ve been disappearing but glowing and growing at the same time. The sun shines beautifully on your face, you are the happiest person on the planet, yet you feel dissolved, drained, disappearing. It’s really strange to be once a college-girl-and-all-for-herself person then a mum-to-be then a mum and then pregnant again.

We were the last children of Turkish Republic. My generation was almost the last hope. We had so much education with the hope to save the system. But it didn’t work. Today we all are in postmodern exiles. None of my friends are living in their birth city. All though they all are from big cities. We left, we are leaving or dream to leave. And when we leave, we go back to our country only for holidays. We know we are not wanted there anymore.

And here we are, you turned 39 this month. August is your month. Life is getting slower and slower. 30 weeks pregnant. You barely walk, you barely talk, not much friends in the new city, just discovering, and looking for the new balance.

Author: filiz2018

Born and raised in Istanbul. French college. Studied filmmaking and worked in related domains for some time. Lived in France and mostly in Paris and Rennes in 2000s. Fell in love in Paris, moved back to Istanbul with lover, had a baby boy. Couldn't resist, moved to Izmir just because we love Ege, then moved to London where I get my second baby. So this world-citizen nomad-kind of family life can break some hearts and kill some archives. Mostly in winter. Another theme would be personal music archiving for future generations. When I was a kid, you just watched movies and that was it. Nothing visual could be recorded except photos and family videos with weird cameras in daddies hands. My music was archived in cassettes then in CDs, then on my mp3 player, then on HDDs. Now it's everywhere with me, on cloud; Spotify, or Itunes. But these are companies. Servers are thousands of miles away from me. They can die one day. All though CDs and cassettes die too. So let's just not forget the names. After all, it's all about names. I ended up by making an old school but cool photo album for visual memory. If not I have +100k pictures on iCloud. and music albums, somewhere in HDDs. Needed curation. And simplification. For every aspect of life. Hence the blog. Looking forward to archive stories and works of beautiful people of the planet earth. View all posts by filiz2018